I recently realised that I don’t just feel emotions emotionally—I feel them physically in different parts of my body. Fear and anxiety live in my chest and stomach, while stress settles into my shoulders and jaw until they tighten and ache. Happiness feels completely different, starting in my chest and radiating outward until everything seems…
Can I Please Stop Feeling Everything?
I don’t just notice other people’s emotions—I absorb them. When someone is upset, my brain immediately starts trying to figure out how to fix the situation, even when nobody asked me to. I know the healthy thing is usually to listen, offer support, and let people have their feelings, but I find that incredibly difficult….
Why Do They Hurt?
We spend our entire lives making memories, yet I often find myself avoiding my happiest ones. When my family reminisces about our Disney trip, camping adventures, swimming in the ocean, or our travels together, I love hearing the stories and remembering the joy with them. But when I stumble into those memories on my own,…
The Sound of Bare Feet
Today I was hanging up my fluffy housecoat when I noticed a little nightie on the shelf that my mother-in-law made for my daughter when she was around seven years old. Seeing it made me cry because suddenly I could hear her little bare feet on hardwood floors, a little voice calling for me, and…
My Fuchsia Mistakes
This is probably more about being a parent than being autistic, but today I found myself replaying all the mistakes I made raising my daughter. Looking back with the knowledge I have now, those mistakes seem to glow bright fuchsia in my memories, and they make me incredibly sad. I used to hear my mom…
A Pile of Pebbles
I lean on my husband for a lot because he has always been the calm one when I’m overwhelmed, burnt out, or falling apart. He’s the person who reminds me we’re going to be okay and somehow always seems strong enough to carry both of us when I can’t carry myself. Lately, though, I can…
I Hate Surprises, But I Love Discoveries
I watched a video today where an AuDHD creator said, “I hate surprises, but I like finding things accidentally,” and I immediately thought, “Oh! It’s not just me!” I hate surprises because they don’t give me a chance to picture myself in the situation beforehand, and if I can’t picture it, I often feel unprepared…
I Need a Mental Preview
Before I agree to go somewhere, try something new, or even decide what to eat, I have to be able to picture myself doing it first. If someone suggests a restaurant and I can’t see myself there, I immediately feel uneasy and anxious because I can’t prepare myself for something I can’t imagine. The same…
My ADHD Loves It. My Autism Loves It From a Distance.
Today thousands of football fans passed by my house as Toronto hosted its first-ever FIFA World Cup match, and I spent part of the day sitting on my porch chatting with neighbours, cheering for visitors, and wishing people good luck. I’m not really a football fan, but I love seeing other people excited and being…
Love, Patience, and Snacks
Do other people really get hungry and then just…eat? Meanwhile, I’m over here so focused on something that I’ll suddenly realise it’s late afternoon and I haven’t had any food or even a glass of water all day. If I check the kitchen and nothing feels “right”, my hunger magically disappears and I get distracted…
Looking Back, It Wasn’t Failure
I’ve spent years thinking I was failing at jobs that I was actually succeeding at. For a long time, I believed I kept losing jobs because I wasn’t trying hard enough or simply wasn’t good enough, but now I’m starting to believe I was actually burning out without recognising it. I worked late, took on…
What Do You Want to Eat?
People joke (my husband included) that women never know what they want to eat when you ask them, but for me it’s not a joke—I genuinely don’t know until I think it through. When someone asks, I have to mentally picture myself eating different foods until I find one that doesn’t make my stomach immediately…
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